Cowboy Casanova

Sitting here watching the bathtub fill up, water running out of the faucet and I’m thinking about how lovely of a time this is to take my phone out and whip up a post.

I want share an experience that I still have a hard time talking about to this day because of the guilt and shame that come over me when I think back on this time in my life, but I feel like this story is one of the most important stories to share and open up about because I know I’m not the only one that has settled for being treated as an option, second best, or the dreaded “other woman”.

I will never forget the first day I laid eyes on him. You know that song Cowboy Casanova by Carrie Underwood? Man did he ever fit the description in those lyrics. He was too good looking to be single, or good news for that matter, and I knew in my gut (see ladies my gut tried to warn me very early on) that I needed to stay as far away from him as possible at all times. I can’t disclose how we met, but I can say that we had to be in the same room for a duration of one hour weekly for an entire year (2011 starting in July) and I did a really magnificent job of avoiding conversation with him during that entire year.

Well a year passed and I made the mistake of being warm and inviting. Shame on me. 😂 We started talking about health related topics and he INNOCENTLY asked for number so that he could pass a long a book to me. *if I could turn back time* I would say “I don’t want your book, or anything else you’re selling... ” trust me you’ll feel that way too once I finish. But yes, that was his pick up line. “I have a book I‘d like to share with you, what‘s your number”, and boy did I fall for it. Why yes, here please take my number, and my heart, and my soul, and my whole life, just take it all. (this really isn’t far off from what actually happened)

So there began my emotional roller coaster relationship with the worst Mr. Unavailable (termed by Natalie Lou, if you don’t read her blog already, please check her out, she along with help from Jesus saved my life, I don’t say that lightly) anyways so of course he texts me the same night and we started talking on the phone every morning and evening, very deep, emotionally charging discussions, and before I knew it I was hooked. He became like a drug to me. I can’t remember how much time had passed (at least two weeks) when I thought about how odd it was that he had never initiated hanging out with me, or taking me on a proper date. I spoke to several guy friends about this issue and they all said different things but came to the same conclusion, “he’s hiding something”.

One guy friend said something like “what guy wouldn’t want to take you out, he’s definitely seeing someone else. You should just ask him”

Ladies and Gentleman... I didn’t want to ask him. I wanted to stay in my stupid naive bubble, where I felt safe and comfortable and nothing was impossible and a hot amazing guy like him was actually a good guy and things were really going somewhere. I didn’t want to ask him. Ignorance is bliss, right?

Wrong, because there’s this saying and I believe a song by Miranda Lambert called “It all comes out in the wash” (I don’t know what’s up with all the country tunes today) and so we can only stay in that bubble of comfort for so long before what we don’t want to see rears its ugly head whether we are prepared for it or not.

So I decided to be brave and sent the text, “do you have a girlfriend?” I waited by my phone for a response. Heart racing. Moments later I saw the three dots... He was typing... I got the response

“I’m seeing someone“

My. heart. dropped. I think I might have blacked out. Truly. I think I died a little in that moment. My track record with guys (remember there’s a reason why I titled this blog two week shelf life) wasn’t good and it just went from worse to worser. (I know all you grammar Nazis, that’s not a word)

But see, the thing is that I already felt like I had gone past the point of no return. He had me trapped. I was baited, hooked, and sadly, ready to accept the subservient crumbs he was throwing at me. This shell of a relationship, I felt so little of myself, that I was okay with being the other girl.

.... to be continued.

thats all for now. stay tuned for next week‘s blog post to see what came next in the story ❤️

xoxo

SLG