warning: this one is a long and emotionally charging one. just over here trying to do my best to tug at your heart strings!
I wanted to talk about this for several reasons:
1) there’s a lot of craziness going on in the world that is out of our immediate control and that does not help someone who is already fighting a mental battle
2) I have seen several people recently share about their mental health struggles and that has inspired and empowered me to do the same
3) because if there‘s one thing I’ve learned over and over again in life it’s that I AM NOT alone And I want you to know, if you relate to this, YOU are not alone either.
4) I smile a lot and people call me “smilie”, but my smile is not always a reflection of my thoughts and it’s possible that I am in fact, faking it! Which brings me to point number 5
5) YOU ARE NOT GOD NOR ARE YOU A MIND READER AND YOU DO NOT AND WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN SOMEONE’S HEAD. Let me know if you figure out how to do this tho, kthxbai
so with all that being said tonight’s post:
NEWS FLASH * I’ve been faking it. Have you ever heard the saying, “fake it til you make it!”, more than likely you have. It holds a lot of weight for me because a lot of days in the past several days, weeks, months, or years even I have found myself, for lack of a better way of saying it “faking it until I make it”. pushing myself beyond my comfort zone, smiling through the void, fighting bad feelings, negative thoughts Until I get through to a place of peace and contentment.
I first learned the saying in AA when I was in early sobriety, before I had really figured the whole program out, old timers would just say, “fake it til you make it girl”, “take it one day at a time”, “suit up and show up inspite of how you feel“
I have never been clinically diagnosed with clinical depression or bipolar disorder, but people that are close to me know that there are some days that are truly just harder for me than others. Basically it’s just me on a mental battle field with my own thoughts and it’s crippling. (raise your hand if you can relate) I thought for the longest time this made me pathetic and weak, and I really didn‘t like talking about it, especially because of society‘s outlook on mental health as I was growing up, not to mention my parents weren’t fully supportive of seeking help for mental disorders. (In the past, fully supportive now)
Over the span of my 31 years of life I have struggled with my addiction to alcohol and drugs and then when the alcohol was taken away in 2011 the voice in my head that constantly tells me “I’m not good enough”, “I’m really not important”, and “Nobody likes me, everyone hates me” started to show up even stronger—when I’m not doing what I need to do to take care of myself, at least(maybe you can relate to this too)
This is my reality 7/7 days a week, some days are worse than others, some days the positive voices are stronger than the negative voices. I don’t care what anyone says diagnosis or not mental health is soooo important and being mentally ill is a real thing and if you don’t have the tools you need to fight it (because let me tell you, most days are a battle for me) then you will not win.
At my worst I am apathetic and don’t even care to get out of bed and do simple things like shower, brush my teeth, etc.
At my best I am highly motivated and able to conquer anything.
I have known of several people who have taken their own lives and I have heard so many people say things like ”they are so selfish” , “how could they not consider us And think of how much we love them” and where I definitely agree with the sentiment that suicide is very selfish, coming from someone who also completely understands the darkness that overcomes someone when they are struggling and how powerful that negative narrative is, because let me tell
you it is almost an unbearable amount of pain that it’s not even viewed as selfishness to the person suffering, it’s viewed as relief.
When I am going through one of my darker spots, the only thing I want in life is freedom, not freedom from my life, but freedom from myself.
I have been so fortunate to have been surrounded by people that constantly check in on me and cheer me on, and to have found a design of living that works for me (reaching out to others, found a support group, therapy, exercise, and healthier diet) but folks there have still been several days that I have had to, ”fake it til I make it“ bc I suffer from the human condition and can’t live everyday flawlessly.
Conquering goals, for someone like me, it is hard to follow through and pursue the goals I have dreamed up bc when I think about doing something I immediately start thinking I am not good enough to do whatever work I have cut out for myself, hence me taking so long to start this blog, also probably why I am single, and also why I just constantly feel the need to have affirmation and validation from others so I feel like I have the approval that what I’m doing is okay. Most people are like “why do you care what people think” and I know I always share these posts and motivate people to pursue their dreams, bc I do truly believe in that, but there’s also this narrative that’s constantly telling me the opposite and often times it’s easier to help other people than to help myself, hence faking it until I make it.
I want to also add here that I know that seeking validation and approval from others IS NOT THE ANSWER, but this is how I feel when I’m at a low spot. If you know, you know. Seeking validation and approval from others is a mute point, if we don’t even know how to love ourselves first It’s like trying to fill a bottomless cup.
Hell, some days I even feel stupid writing this blog. My mind says “I know there are people out there laughing at you for thinking your thoughts and your opinions matter”, ”nobody cares or supports your voice on the topic of dating because you have not been successful in a relationship“. I am SO hard on myself, ALL THE TIME. It‘s exhausting.
And to include dating in this topic, I have been burned A LOT and sometimes I just get tired of opening up only to be let down over and over and over again anyways, and people say things like “I’m so proud of you for not giving up hope, and not giving up on love“, but the reality is, sometimes I do give up on love and sometimes I don’t have hope and you know what dammit, thats okay, too! However, I also realize that I have a part in still remaining single as well, and that I must work hard to be the best me so that I am
capable of loving my husband when he comes into my life.
This post has gone all over the place, but what I want to get to is the solution I have found to best tackle this problem, one that works for me:
It is to take action in spite of how Im feeling and getting outside of myself is really the only way I am truly able to recover from the spiritual/mental dilemma I suffer from. I have learned that my problem is in fact a “ME” problem and if I let it get bad enough it can become so bad that I start to forget all the things that I should be grateful for that have been put in my life. I have picked up on the fact that I must learn to forgive others, bc holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, except for it’s really just crippling me. I have learned that FOR ME, getting outside of myself and reaching out to others, liberates me from my selfish nature and helps fill that gaping black hole inside of me. I have learned that talking to someone else, who doesn’t know me and can offer an objective unbiased opinion truly helps me see myself and the things I have yet to work on. I have learned that my body and mind respond so positively to exercise and nutritious foods but that it also needs to rest, relax, and reset sometimes as well (AND THATS OKAY). Its all about striving for BALANCE, not obtaining it always, but certainly always working towards it, and giving myself grace when I don’t feel as if I measure up.
I heard someone say once that when we were children we had no fear and truly knew how to be carefree and enjoy life bc of this freedom from fear, and in our adult lives we have taken that fear back, so we become insecure and afraid, so we should always try to strive for eliminating that fear and becoming more childlike in nature. We see our fears in other people like mirrors, I look at some random person on the street and if I automatically feel a certain negative or uncomfortable feeling, I like to ask myself, why? What is going on inside of me?
My friends, if Im allowed to call you that, fear and love cannot live in the same plane— and you have to fully understand what love truly is to learn to be truly capable of loving others, and in order to avoid days of faking it (though undoubtably they will come) instead I try to be so filled with love that theres no space for my ego Or my self-deprication to cohabit.
I have been reading this book written by Bob Goff called Everyone, Always and he just writes so beautifully about what it really means to be a Christian And I feel like soooo many of us fall completely short of that, (not that we all have to subscribe to this Christian philosophy, just know that I do, but all are STILL WELCOME BC I LOVE YOU ALL) because if Jesus were here right now, he would love EVERYONE, ALWAYS, that includes the people that make us the most uncomfortable, he didn’t care about professions, skin color, rags or riches, diseases, gender, sexual preference, Whatever you can think of that makes you cringe bc its different from how you think and feel when you think of others— he loved EVERYONE, ALWAYS, this is radical thinking, but even the people we truly dislike the most, our worst enemies, the people who commit the worst crimes, etc. Reading his book has really made me reflect on my interactions and ask myself a lot of questions, because yes, knowing the word and living the word in the world are two different things, and even more so learning to love Like Jesus is even more challenging, he wouldnt turn anyone away. He just wouldnt, and that’s the Kind of love I want to give out and subscribe to, I don’t want to be full of judgement, I dont want to make comments about you behind your back and I don’t want my ugly black heart to rub off on you and spread like a disease. Get out of here if you want to make fun of your neighbors bc you think you’re doing something better, knocking people down to make Yourself feel better is gross and not what love is.
I am SOOOOO tired of everyone thinking- what they think and believe is TRUE and RIGHT. I am so tired of people acting like their lives are the only ones that matter, that what‘s in front of you is ”enough”. I worked so hard at getting out of myself to help others bc helping others is what fills that black void , and there are some people in this world who try to KILL that spirit in me, and because of the battle I go through everyday, I have allowed it to win, again and again and again. BUT NOT TODAY!!!
There are so many more things I can say— we are all so much more a like than we care to admit and though our struggles might not look the same on the outside, we all share so many likenesses on the inside!
I mostly just want to SUGGEST, that you do your best to be kind to everyone, no matter what walk of life they come fTom. We are all facing our own demons, so try to leave your judgements at home.
I also want to suggest that you take the “be a better person today than I was yesterday” approach to life. Reflect on who you are, and meditate on where you’d like to be— whether thats a spiritual, mental, or physical place, it doesn’t matter. I truly believe that while on this earth, our work on ourselves is never complete, and it is our duty to be better, so we can make the world better.
Oh and if you like to read, purchase the book Everyone, Always by Bob Goff (I don’t get paid to say this) , read it and then let me know how it hits your heart, and then stop thinking so much of yourself and if you’re having trouble not thinking of yourself, reach out to someone, and if you are having trouble doing that, pray And know you are not alone, and there are most definitely people sitting somewhere thinking about you and how much your light and love has brought to their lives.
You are someone and you MATTER, and no matter what you decide to do with your life, it is ENOUGH, it was ALWAYS enough regardless of what society tried to tell you or more importantly what you tried to tell yourself.
and lastly, I cannot implore nor convey the importance of reaching out. Whether you believe it or not there are people who love and care about your life, and would be so upset if you were gone. Reaching out to my people when I’m feeling low is not for attention, but to let them know, I just need someone to help remind me of who I am and where I come from.
I love you.
xoxo
SLG
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