I love it here

I love it here.

It's my favorite space on Earth. Especially now.

People have described me as the sun a light, or like sunshine, and boy do I feel the opposite of that. My rising sun has fallen. My daddy, my hero. Our phoenix, wolf pack leader, but this space, this space is sacred for me. I love coming here and sharing it all, pouring out all the feels. Letting out all the emotions.

My daddy would want me to keep writing. He encouraged it always, he was always so proud to share about my writings, and he even subscribed to my blog. My number one fan.

Man grief is weird. I don't know if you are my friend on social media, if you aren't, I am going to copy and paste what I posted about grief.

"Grief for me after losing my daddy is like:

Bobbing up in down in the middle of a vast ocean, no shoreline in sight, no life preserver to save you.

It’s like sitting on the shoreline and being hit by waves varying in size some small, just barely lapping at your feet, or magnanimous and pulling you under.

It’s like waking up to a nightmare every day and not wanting to sleep because you know you’ll inevitably have to wake up again, but also not wanting to stay awake because it’s a nightmare.

It’s like wondering how many days you have to take this one day at a time before you don’t feel the weight of this loss pulling you under.

You don’t want to do any of the things that you are supposed to do in order to provide BASIC care for yourself.

You don’t want to talk to anyone, be around anyone or listen to the sound of anyone else’s voice because you’re too busy replaying his in your mind so that you don’t ever forget it.

It’s coming to terms with the idea of life on earth without this amazing human who took up so much space in your heart, mind and who helped mold you into the beautiful human that you are. It’s gratitude and confusion.

It’s coming to terms with all the things he didn’t get to be a part of: a wedding, his grandkids lives, seeing you continue to grow and explore the world.

It’s laughter and it’s pain. It’s heartwarming sorrow.

I cannot explain why it is easier for me to write you all here, maybe bc it is a mass message and I’m not having to have a one on one conversation, but it’s so much easier for me to come here like this than it is for me to talk on the phone, respond to text messages, and go out in public.

I am still trying to and will be trying to, along with my siblings wrap my mind around the loss of this amazing man in our lives. There is no comparison, there are no Words.

I keep holding onto the memory of him so I don’t ever forget how blessed we were to have him as our daddy. He was a special guy and he made the world a better place and it feels wrong to go on living and for the world to keep spinning without him.

It’s different for everyone, even different between my siblings and I. I’m not asking for sympathy or sorrow, just space. I don’t mean to be rude but I cannot respond right now. I feel like I have just shut down.

So please do not think I do not love you, or I am not grateful for the out pouring of love and check ins. I’m still just trying to wrap my mind around things and I’ve been told by people that have been through it, that it takes a long time to feel somewhat “normal” again, and even then I will not stop missing him and wishing he were here."

It's definitely a motherfucker, gut puncher, game changer, perspective change, life molder. Losing someone so precious to you makes you re-evaluate your life and the things that you hold dear to your heart. I can't handle another heart break. This has really taken a toll on my heart.

This year has been one shit storm after another for me, starting last summer. Between losing my grandpa, losing my job, and now losing my father, my protector, my hero,one of my biggest fans.

If I can learn to continue living my life through all of this suffering/loss, then I think the possibilities are endless. Loss on this earth is for but a moment anyways.

I can feel my daddy everywhere. It's kind of surreal. He was really into numerology, and he loved telling us about how all of the days in his life, the most important ones, were numbered. My siblings and I took his numbers algorithms and began to find patterns/repetitions in his numbers after his death, including his death date. I have been so obsessed I even bought a book on numerology. I think it really just makes me feel comforted to know it was something that he really enjoyed doing, and it's given us a little bit of peace knowing that it really was his time to go, even if we didn't realize it at the time, or see it coming.

I have also started to reevaluate my friendships in life, my boundaries with people, etc. Going through this experience has really demonstrated to me who is REALLY in my corner and who just pretends to be. It's the people who show up for you in times like this that show you how much they care and how much they love you.

I am all over the place with my thoughts, because my emotions are ever changing. I am ever changing.

I love being my father's daughter, because he instilled this unending fire inside of me to never give up, never stop growing, never let life knock you down so hard that you can't learn to get back up. You stay in that ring and you keep fighting, until you take your last breath. I think he gave us all that same vigor. The same tenacity when tackling life.

I think the one thing that he had, that I wish I could be more like is in regards to loving because he knew how to truly love without strings attached. We have had so many people message us with stories of sweet little acts of kindness my daddy did to demonstrate his love. He was an amazing human. I will never forget him and I will proudly carry on his spirit.

I am going to be writing much more now. Even through the painful and dark moments, those things need to be addressed, too. Otherwise people will think you can have sunshine without rain. I know that sunshine can't be truly appreciated without it.

Ever pressing onward,

Until next time

All my love

Mishako