I miss my daddy

I don't feel like sharing my writing with the world right now. I know that's okay. The people that are subscribed here are the ones that truly get to have an inside perspective to my mind. I'm in a really dark head space right now, so it's not really something I feel like advertising to the world, but I also don't want to quit writing.

I hate having to grieve. It's so inconvenient. I want to just fast forward to a time when I feel better, or less sad all the time. Right now I'm in this phase where I forget then I remember. If you don't know me very well, but you follow me on social media, you probably could tell that my father was a HUGE part of our life. He was the most unconditionally loving person I have ever known in my whole life. You know the saying, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade". Well my dad was given a lot of lemons in life, and by the end of his 65 years, he was really good at making lemonade. I have never met someone more happy, positive, upbeat, despite suffering so much loss and tragedy. He was a hero to not only my siblings and I, but too many that encountered him.

I have a hard time grasping the fact that he is gone. I know people tell you alllll sorts of things to try to comfort you when you are grieving. There is nothing that works really. It's such a deep unique feeling of loss because my father and I's relationship was unique to me. He loved each of his children so well, and was proud of us. My sister and I were talking about how there would never be another person in the world who would know us the way he knew us. He knew us better than we knew ourselves.

My father was a one of a kind beautiful person, and I am going to miss him for the rest of my life. My heart will ache at every big occassion. He was the most proud of us. I can't even wrap my mind around how much he loved us, it was SO big. He loved us through and through, no matter what we said, what we did. His love was unconditional, loyal, trusting, patient, so, so good, and it makes the loss of it even harder, but it's bitter sweet because I'm grateful to have had such a funny and unique and loving man as my father, that God chose us each to be one of his children. That we get to continue to tell his stories and talk about how proud we are to be his babies. I have thought about calling him everyday since he has died. I have thought about all the things I would say. I'm so grateful we all let him know we loved him almost daily. That he knew without a doubt we loved him just as much as he loved us.

My dad was really into numerology. His life and Destiny numbers were 2 & 3. We have been seeing 23 EVERYWHERE. We have also been seeing a lot of lady bugs, which we believe is our daddy bc he used to wear black and red for work everyday, red also being his favorite color.

He was sooo funny. Gosh I miss his sweet little laugh. He just really knew how to live life and laugh and love through all the pain and misery in the world. I hope that if his death has taught me anything, it's to not let the bad stuff consume me. I am prone to allowing my negative thoughts to take over, and with this grief, it's very hard not to do, but I know my father would want me to do my best to embrace my feelings, whatever they may be, but not dwell on the darkness that consumes me when I think of a life without him.

I started this blog as a dating blog. I used to write all sorts of stories about my dating escapades. My daddy knew all of them. I would call him and tell him all of my stories. He used to tell me there was no one in the world good enough for me. Maybe he was right, or maybe I'm just unlucky when it comes to love, always pining after somehow who doesn't see my worth or my value. This loss has made me just want to stop pining or searching at all. A life a lone is better than a life miserable. He was allll of our go-to guy for everything, but especially for me. Mainly because I am single and I just called him for literally everything under the sun. EVERYTHING. lol it's so funny because I never realized how much I leaned on him for support, and now I'm over here trying to figure out how to navigate the rest of my life without him. No wedding with him there, no poppa for my babies when I have them. The dream of the future looks much different than it used to, and it just breaks my heart over and over again when I think about it.

I am so sad.