If you're reading this.....I'm already gone.

Since I know that you're reading this now, I'll write and speak directly to you.

Last night meant a lot to me. I wish I could take a moment and freeze it in time and keep the feels all there and go back and visit it and regenerate new conversations without the hustle and bustle of life interfering, life and all of its obligations.

The what ifs were the things I needed sealed in my mind. All the things I wish I could have said to your face, so you could see and hear the emotion/intention behind my actions. There is nothing like seeing someone sitting in front of you. You're right. It's better than a phone call any day of the week. It's better to have someone "here" as you said you needed.

There will always be this wonder in the back of my mind. What if we had just stuck with it and let it work itself out. It always ends up the same of course. We are a family and having so much fun together. I could have done that, I would have loved that. Family is everything to me, but we didn't. The idea of losing that broke my heart, especially with how much we talked about it.

Relationships are hard like that. It's hard to know in the present if you're making the right decision. I guess that's why several months later at 12 am you find yourself contemplating whether or not to send a video to someone who you thought wanted you out of their life forever. Then you find yourselves in front of one another at a dinner table saying all the things now that you wish you had then.

I didn't. I wouldn't. I couldn't.

That big heart, the one you told me to keep. I will always keep it, but I also have to protect it. She loves bigger than the sky is high and the ocean is deep. I would venture to say I felt something pretty close to that for you. That's why I have thought about you almost everyday since I decided to tell you to leave me alone in my darkest of times. Stalking your spotify playlist. Crucify me.

I think about all the fun we had. I forget the things that broke us apart. Then I remember. Then I remember that you left me. You listened to what I said. You didn't ignore it. You left. At a time when I needed you most. You just accepted defeat and let me go. That is the part that my heart remembers. That you didn't get on the next plane to be there to hold me when I cried. That is what my heart remembers and does not let me forget when you waltz back in and ask me if I'm happy. There's a song by Snow Patrol, You could be happy. Play it.

Then I want you to go and sit and write out all of the reasons, why you decided to leave and not respond until you got drunk at a wedding and thought of me. Be honest with yourself. Were you scared? Did the unexpected rush of feelings scare you? Why are you thinking about me several months later? What had a hold on you? Did you need to see that I was happy so you wouldn't feel so bad about the choices that you made? or did/do you actually care.

I would have never spoken to you again. I would have protected my heart above anything else, because she has been punctured, broken, stomped on, but she's kept beating and kept me alive and she deserves the utmost protection and love that I can give her.

I didn't need to hear you say anything good. I just needed to hear the apologies, but in situations like these, they always happen too late.

You said " I just want to be with someone who makes me happy"

I hope you find her.

I dont want to be with someone who makes me happy. I dont need that. I want to be with someone who stays. Regardless of whether we are happy or sad. In the good times and the bad times. I want someone who would book the next flight to come and hold me when I cry. I want someone who sees my heart in the present and doesn't take it for granted, and tell me they appreciate how big it is but still let's me walk away again. They see the value of the heart they hold.

They don't let it go again and again and again. I want someone who doesn't have to apologize for the way things ended when they come back after several months bc they would have never let me go in the first place.

Wonderful woman, amazing aunt/sister/daughter/friend, nurturer, loving, kind, happy, upbeat, bright, funny, carefree, joyful, strong, independent, resilient, spiritual, but also anxious, neurotic, fearful of being abandoned, have a hard time trusting, a little bit selfish, bougie, dramatic.

Me. What I am. The parts that make up the whole. I want someone who sees me, all of me and stays. Now play stay by Rhianna.

Then go listen to Dandelions. And blow me away in the wind.

You're an idiot