I’m running through a really lush green field and I’m wearing a white cotton dress, it’s knee length and there are flowers all around me, tulips, so beautiful, and I’m just running through them and I’m fingering through them with my arms wide open, happy, carefree, innocent, and then it becomes dark, and there is a man standing with his back facing me. He has a little bald spot on the back of his head, from the back he seems protective, but when he turns around he has a sinister look on his face and when our eyes meet, everything goes black, including my dress, I look down and all around me, the tulips have turned to ash, my feet covered in soot, and then the ground falls from beneath me and suddenly I’m falling, and there’s no end and I can hear the sound of water rushing and babies crying and Walmart buggies being pushed at 90 miles an hour down an aisle, and then I see myself, from a distance and I can’t get back to myself because I feel so separated from who I was before I crossed paths with that man at the end of the field. Am I myself ? Is this the home for my soul? Am I lost ? I feel like I’m taking up too much space and my body is on autopilot but I’m not inside of it.
I don’t mind it because I want to just sleep it off and I don’t want the world to remember that I’m here today. I don’t want to be here, but I don’t want to be dead either.
The negative thoughts run through my mind: I am not good enough, I am annoying, I am not loved, I am ashamed, disgusted with myself and embarrassed. I am no longer the girl running in the field because someone took something precious from me and I can’t ever get it back.
I know they say you are always who you are to your core, but I don’t feel like her anymore. But I’ll keep fighting to get back to her, because I am her and she is me and she is really beautiful.
I just don’t feel quite right, just a little off, but don’t worry, I’ll make it back, I’ll fight to make my body feel like home again.
PS I’m not okay today, and that’s okay, because being okay doesn’t last forever just as much as not being okay. It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to need a moment to breathe, it’s okay to feel off, to need a day, to grieve. It’s okay. there are certainly better days to come.
I wake up everyday feeling more hopeful than the next, and as each day passes, so does another day of healing, but we must trudge forward and deal with our own shit on our own, and really try not to punish everyone around us along the way. I’m so sorry to anyone I might have hurt along the way, there is no excuse for taking our problems out on the people who love us, support us, protect us, and give us a safe space to cry/heal/move forward.
I have spent the weekend with my “chicken nuggets“ as I call them, and it has been so good for my soul. It’s actually always good to come here, they are my sweet babies, a light in a dark place. I have hopes of being a mother one day, and today they are as close as I can get to loving my own. Their sweet snuggles, their giggles, their excitement over a snap chat filter. God I love their sweet loving little spirits.
Doo and I were taking a nap yesterday, and he saw where I had been picking at my thumb nail, and he said “Mishi, are you okay?” and I said “yes doo, Mishi is okay!” And he said “what happened to your finger Mishi? Does it hurt?” and I said “No, it doesn’t hurt Doo, and Mishi picked it, but I’m okay. I love you”. “I love you Mishi“, with a bigggg squeeze, and he stuck his thumb in his mouth and he fell asleep.
God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams to give me such sweet blessings. I am so grateful for his love and comfort during all the difficult times in my life, that make a journey that seems impossible, so bearable and fun, that take the edge off of the rough patches, the ugly cry moments, the bad memories on replay.
What would My life be like if I didn’t take notice of these blessings ? I am so glad I am not blind to them.
My light in a dark spot, illuminating my black nightmare.
until next week,
xoxo
Mishako
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