Sexpectations PART 1

I want to preface this post by saying:

I love you, even though I don’t know you, my opinions on this topic are based on my values and my beliefs. I don't believe in sex before love, but I have no place to judge anyone who partakes in it.

I want you to know that if you have been a victim of sexual assault, some of the following might be triggering for you and I would like you to proceed with caution. Please know that I am here for you should you need someone to confide in, or am willing to point you in the right direction for help.

Also, please do not slide into my DMs being disrespectful. I will not tolerate disrespect, this includes lude comments. You will get blocked. I am however, ALWAYS open to different view points/voices/feelings surrounding this topic, and any topic for that matter.

That being said, happy reading.

I was 8 or 9 when I learned what sex was. My momma described it as “the birds and the bees”. I actually walked in on my parents having sex even younger than that and I remember not truly knowing what it was, and making my Barbie’s get naked with one another anyways.

I was around 10 or 11 when someone close to me told me about rape and how they had been raped, and how we should always be careful of who we surround ourselves with and who we trust. This is the first manifestation of fear associated with sex.

I remember being about 10 years old when a man attempted to molest me. He used to play guitar at our church, and him and my mom would practice together sometimes. I remember spending the night at his house with his daughter who was around my age and he was tickling us and he got really close to my privates. Even at 10 years old, my gut knew that was wrong. This was my second manifestation of fear and sex.

I remember the first time a guy ever attempted to shove his dick inside of me and when I told him no; he went around and told all of his buds he took my virginity the next day. I remember chewing him out for everything he was worth, too, for making up lies. I’m not surprised though, we live in a world where you’re “not cool” if you haven’t had sex by the time you’re a junior in high school if you’re a dude. I say that because I have someone in my family who lied to his buddies about having sex with a girl because he wouldn’t be “cool” if he was a virgin. This was my 3rd manifestation of fear being associated with sex.

I remember getting drunk and going home with multiple guys, all of which had an agenda of having sex with me, and me with an agenda of legit going to sleep. They didn’t know they selected the wrong girl, but by the Grace of God I was always protected, never raped.

That didn’t happen until I was 32. I dated the wrong kind of guy. He is a sheriff deputy, too, so it was hard for me to even trust cops after that incident. Again, I thank God for therapy and healing and support. That was a dark year; and I’m still healing from that one, because the body knows the score is so true. My 4th manifestation of fear associated with sex.

I have dated so many men, some with good hearts who I didn’t know how to allow to love me and some with a hidden agenda who didn’t know how to love, those were the types I liked the most, because we accept the love we think we deserve, and my inner child thought I deserved that (not today, not anymore)

I have never had any dating expectations of sex because a long time ago I told myself I didn’t want to have sex with someone until I KNEW, that I KNEW, that I KNEW that he loved me, cared for me, adored me, respected me, and protected my heart. That he loved my mind, my heart, and the color of my soul more than he lusted after my body. That he wasn’t in control of his life, but God was.

I have dated so many men. So many men; and you guys, I know, I know I’m not perfect, and I certainly don’t pretend to be, but I am so tired of dating in todays world.

I asked the question:

By what date do you have the expectation to have sex with the partner you’re dating && and here are the results:

3 people said 2-3 dates

6 people said something along the lines of "when we're connected mentally" or "when the vibe is right" or "when I realize it's someone I can spend my life with"

1 person said "at least by 2 months"

3 people said marriage

2 people said 5-6 or more

1 person said 12, that was "matchmaker maria's advice"

How many dates do you expect to have sex by?

• 5-12
• 3/4
• marriage
• when the vibe is right

One of these people also was someone I had dated , who recently ended things with me because I wasn’t willing to have sex for an unforeseen amount of time, this guy said "when we were mentally connected". It’s so disheartening to me when this happens bc it just goes to demonstrate to you how surface level that relationship probably would have been, don't worry I walked away, and this is just my opinion following BUT, sex shouldn’t just be something you just give away so liberally; and it shouldn’t be expected from either party, and both parties should be ready; and no one should feel pressured, or rushed or coerced like they’re not worth waiting for or taking a risk on. You should feel loved, protected, and safe. We should have true intimacy/closeness with someone b4 we feel comfortable giving them our bodies:

I know I’m worth that risk. God has kept reminding me of that every day of my 33 years of existence, even if I sometimes wake up and I don’t feel like it, he always has a way of gently reminding me, I am worth waiting for, and until someone comes along demonstrates that to me, and the respect and mutual love is reciprocated, I’ll wait.

My friends I’m not here to judge you. I’m really not. The world we live in is full of sexual immorality and pre-marital sex and a thousand million trillion other sins. Lol. I don’t claim to be a perfect non-sinner. I have my vices, too. Trust me. Jealousy/Envy/Pride to name a few.

But I do have standards and respect for myself, which means I at least expect to wait until I’ve met someone whom my soul can confide in. Who loves the depth of me and not just the surface, who isn’t afraid to let take his time and take a risk on me. I know it's out there.

If all you see when you look at someone is what they have on the outside bc all you see when you look at yourself in the mirror is what you see on the outside then it's probably because you can’t stand to look within, and if that's the case you should be working diligently on yourself to fix your brokenness inside && for the person trying to date you, I hope it's: hi and bye!

I wanted to touch on this topic bc I know my creator wouldn’t want me having sex before marriage, however he would still love me if I did, but does that make it right? I know he DEF wants me to enjoy it within the marriage bed, and I know that sex is a beautiful thing meant to be shared between two people who love one another and nobody is perfect but I just really think we’ve gotten way too comfortable with whom we are sharing our bodies and how quickly we are doing it.

I have met so many girls who have admired me for holding onto my v-card for my husband and wondered how in the heck I’ve done it. I have no idea sis, but by the Grace of God there go I. All I can tell you is I’m human too and I have sexual desires just like everyone else, I just have a lot of restraint. I also have a lot of fear associated with sex bc of my trauma, especially after my rape. I refuse refuse refuse to get intimate with someone unless I feel safe/secure, and that safety net takes a long time for someone to build, and if you are pushy, I am stepping back, and if you display a lot of selfishness, I step back.

To me, sex is the ULTIMATE symbol of oneness with someone else, and I don’t really wanna give that oneness to some one who might even possibly be temporary, or just passing through, which is why it’s so important for me to wait.

Not to mention the emotional/mental damage it leaves behind if you happen to break up with that person, and they are no longer a part of your life.

When I love you. I love you hard. Deep/wide, to infinity and beyond. I love you in all of your imperfections. I love you bc God says to love you even tho you’re not the perfect image of him bc NEWS FLASH none of us are. I love people. Love you all, even if you’ve wronged me, forgive you when you have and move on and keep a boundary, but the love remains, and the prayers still go up, and they aren’t the kind that are like “I hope a pot falls on your head”- there was a time during the phase of resentment when I was saying this (I told you I wasn’t perfect and even the Bible says it’s okay to hate, for a time— let me find the reference here: Ecclesiasties 3: 1-15 ) but when I move past my human hurt and brokenness , and resentment then God mends it and heals it and fills me back with love in all the cracks.

I’ll wait for a love like that from someone else. I won’t settle for the man who wants to have sex with me after three dates, or the one who can’t wait for an unforeseen amount of time, or the one who just can’t imagine his life without a physical connection, or the one who “wants a girlfriend who will suck his dick every night”, or the man who is so stuck up his own ass that he can’t muster enough energy to get up and get me a napkin, or send me a text to ask me “how is your day”, or follow up about a plan for a date.

I won’t settle for the man who disrespects me by asking if he can call me something else besides my name, or tells me all about himself and all of his achievements, and laments about his woes but lacks the thoughtfulness to ask about and listen to mine. That will not be the man who I give my body to. And it shouldn’t be who you give it to either; man or woman.

No, it wont be the guy who rushes intimacy but blows hot and cold, it will not be the man who pretends to be a sheep when he’s truly a wolf, waiting to devour me. I can see through it all, the fake flattery, the rushing relationship tactics, the rushing of an emotional connection to rush the physical side of things. I want the man who is patient, and develops a level of trust prior to initiating intimacy. Who generally is after my heart and not the shell that carries it.

I will wait for the man who deserves me, because I know I deserve a man who will wait for me. My Pawpaw used to always tell me I was a jewel 💎 and to wait for the man who saw that rare beauty in me. The diamond in the rough.

I’ll wait. I’ll keep waiting. I’ll wait. I’ll wait. I’ll wait.

And I’ll keep remembering Jeremiah 29:11, he has shown up in every other facet of my life, why do I doubt he will show up in this one, too.

This is a long winded post, but gosh it’s such a taboo topic. It’s uncomfortable and icky for us to talk about, which is funny to me, because if we can do it so freely/liberally, then why can’t we talk about it just the same? Why do we hide it from people? Why do we feel the need to keep it to ourselves? I have an idea of why, but I want to know, what is your opinion on this? Why do you think it’s so easy for us to do, but not easy for us to talk about ?

Why aren’t we discussing it more? Talking about better, more wholesome ways of cultivating a relationship with someone?

Also, even my spiritual beliefs aside, I just am curious, what makes someone feel entitled to another persons body so quickly? I guess if you are both feeling comfortable, I completely get it, and I’m not trying to call you out but like …. some of the dudes who have been “ready” with me have not even asked me my middle name, much less know the depths of my heart and soul and they trying to go to pound town. No wonder why we can’t keep relationships together and marriages are failing left and right and we are constantly searching for something better than what we got in front of us…. In AA, I learned that anything you place before God is what you will lose first if you decide to go back out and drink, and now I don't think you necessarily have to go back out to lose anything you place before God. I think anything we put before him means it's basically an idol be it sex, marriage, money, esteem, and it will be the first thing to go when we start unraveling.

I also posted a question about social media, and I promise I’m gonna touch on that next, because WTH, lust city. Superficial city. Love me love love me city (and don’t worry I’m guilty of this TOO, have you seen my Instagram????? Lmao) don’t think I’m trying to be like the pot calling the kettle black or anything; but it really is kind of gross how much it controls our lives.

So that's all I have for now, and that was so much for me to share, and Im not going to lie it was very hard for me to submit this post because it's such a vulnerable topic, but that's what I show up for isn't it? And this wouldn't be my blog if I didn't bring some of my naked truths to the table.

I did not share about my sexual assault to victimize myself. I have had so much help and support and I am healing and doing okay in that regard please do not feel sorry for me or ask me if I'm okay. 🤍🙏🏽 You can continue to pray for the man who wronged me though. I hope you all have an amazing night and rest of your work!

We will continue this topic next time!

Until then,

xoxo

Mishako