The Macaroni

I have barely even started writing, but I already know what I want to title this one. MACARONI.

My brother used to free-style rap all the time, I used to sing some dope hooks for him, but I always asked him to help me learn how to free-style. I was always convinced that if he could do it, so could I, but every time I would open my mouth to spit lyrics out, it would just sound.... well., not good. He used to tell me, "Just let the macaroni flow". I would get so mad, because I didn't know how to just...be free. I am titling this blog Macaroni because it's been so many months and I haven't written, and I have no topic in mind, even though this should be Sexcapades PART 2, as I said I would write, and never followed through, I'll get to that later. This will be choppy, it will be full of random thoughts, there will be poor flow, sometimes the words might not seem quite right, and there will probably be a million topics in one, and so for that, I am calling it my MACARONI.

Sexcapades took a lot out of me. I wrote A LOT. Have you ever heard the song "Breathe" by Anna Nalick? The part where she sings about feeling like she's naked in front of a crowd, coz these words are my diary screaming out loud? That's how it made me feel. I'm not surprised, especially after the soul searching I've been doing in the past few months. I started reading this book by my new favorite author, Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection, amazing read for anyone who is looking to do a little digging into understanding themselves and our relationship with ourselves. Anyways she researches shame, guilt, authenticity, empathy, so many GOOD things and something I read that she wrote about shame really resonated with me, and how WHY writing that post made me feel so NAKED and afraid, so I'm going to quote it here:

"Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share 'Who has earned the right to hear my story?' If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or a small group of friends, or a family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky"

Basically, I stood naked in front of 360-something views on this blog, when I NEVER get that many views, and I told you all my story, about rape, and my fears surrounding sex, and I poured my heart out, and my response was to shut down because SHAME. Yes, what I did was brave, but I don't think I was ready to share it yet. It's too late now, and it's a beautifully written truth, but it took a lot out of me. SO much so that I didn't feel like writing about sex again. I didn't feel like sharing my thoughts about my relationship with social media, and how I think it affects people's relationships with one another and with sex. Hell, I didn't even feel like coming here and writing macaroni.

I love this space. It is my home. I denied myself my home, all because I felt shame for being so naked in front of this crowd, so it took me some time to bring myself back here.

I gave someone the idea that my happiness was put off because of them. My friends, happiness is fleeting, it's good to be happy, but what's better is to be comfortable with who you are, and sometimes when we get really uncomfortable, we have to get up and move so that we can grow through that discomfort.

I have been busy, here's my timeline in a nut shell:

August: Lost my job

September: Did a lot of traveling, made some new friends, danced a lot, went to see all my babies (I have 2 nieces and 2 nephews and they are my world)

October: Started my new job + hung out with some amazing friends, met some amazing people

November: Work, work, work, trip to Sedona

December: Cue the song "I'm a working Bitch, ain't got no time for a dick..."..."3 jobs work hard you a bad broad" <<< literally me in December

January: NEW YEAR NEW ME BABY. Out with the old, in with the new, working towards freedom, and living my best life this year, YALL FEEL ME? Or are we already living our best lives?

I have been struggling recently though, REAL TALK, just with a lot of different things, but I also know that when I feel this way, I have to take a look at everything, THE WHOLE PICTURE, and truly assess the situation, and dissect my life with the serenity prayer,

"God, grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference."

Most problems have solutions, and all of them involve work, understanding, and movement, whether it be in a physical or metaphorical sense.

Questions I like to ask myself before finding a solution, and seeking answers:

Is this something that I need to change within myself?

What is this thing that I can work on within myself? What can I change? Who do I need to talk to in order for a change in this facet of my life to happen?

Am I being honest with myself? Am I being honest with others around me?

For me, honesty is the key ingredient to freedom.

But then so is work, and I don't mean the kind you get paid for, well maybe in some cases I do, but when it comes to self-actualization, moving through uncomfortable feelings, learning to let go, growing through change, I mean you REALLY have to dig deep and learn to be honest with yourself, sometimes others, even if it hurts, even if it feels like your heart is breaking in a thousand pieces.

I have been asked if because of writing this blog and sharing about mental health all of the time if I'm "OKAY". LOL. I love when people ask me this because it just goes to show you what authenticity can be mistaken for. Sharing your deepest darkest feelings, hurts, happenings in order to let others know they are not alone, can often cause people to worry about you, because not everyone is on the same wave length when it comes to understanding feelings and emotions, much less learning to move through them, discuss them, share about your experience and be "OKAY", just so you know I am OKAY, I am always OKAY. A friend once told me "Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end"

I have learned since writing this blog that just because you think that you are perceived a certain way, does NOT mean that you are. People understand things from their OWN perspective, READ THAT AGAIN: PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THINGS FROM THEIR OWN PERSPECTIVE.

I write about my struggles bc WE ALL HAVE THEM, I am just brave enough to share about mine (that line will be misinterpreted, too, mark my words there is a gremlin reading this RIGHT NOW who thinks I am sooo full of myself for calling myself brave). But I'm okay with looking like a fool in front of you all, hell, I'm okay with standing here naked, did you read my last post? Ugly people don't scare me anymore, they used to, but there's nothing that anyone can take from me, without my consent, if I want you to rent space in my head, I might allow it, but that's not really up to anyone, but me.

I've been called weird, silly, crazy, stupid, narcissistic, selfish, but for every negative thing I've ever been called there's at least 2 positives: funny, happy, positive, like-sunshine, empathetic, caring, understanding, wise, creative, bubbly, fun, warm, goofy, resilient, beautiful, thoughtful, motherly, gentle, kind, and genuine.

I don't know what the point of this post is, and that's the point, bc I called it macaroni for a reason, THERE ISN'T ONE, besides letting you know I'm still alive, I'm still moving through things, I'm still changing for the better, growth is still happening, life is carrying on.

I'm still over here living my best life and hoping you can learn to live your best life too. Remember that showing up as your authentic self is the best way to live <3 and choosing to love when letting go is always better than harboring hatred and resentment.

I don't know when I'll be back, hopefully sooner than last time, but I have to stop making promises to you all on a date, because in the end, I end up letting you down and myself down. <3

I've also decided to take a step back from social media. I still post a lot of stories throughout the day, but I have since crushed the urge to check it so often. I started off by deleting my apps and just keeping them off for several hours. It really has helped me so much. Comparing my life to others via scrolling was so unhealthy. I have learned to appreciate the connections it has brought into my life more, and how to find the best reels that make me laugh hahahaha. I also enjoy making memes. I don't know how much I am going to push my blog on there anymore either.

Until next time,

xoxo Mishako