Transparent

I have an established relationship with a counselor.

I have been talking to her for almost two years now, so it wasn’t hard to get back into the swing of going to visits after losing my daddy.

I love being transparent. My emotions/my feelings and my transparency surrounding them is something I have utilized as a means to help people move through things.

Life doesn’t end with our feelings. Often times, especially in times of grief (it’s weird I can say that now), we feel like life is impossible. It does feel that way, by the way. It feels like life is impossible.

I don’t mean to be a downer. It’s just the truth. When you suffer such a profound loss, you feel like lead. Sometimes you wake up and you literally feel like you are so heavy that you cannot move. I imagine this is what true depression really is. I have what’s called adedonha, or the lack of pleasure. I have a hard time experiencing happiness, joy, etc bc this grief is so big that it feels wrong to even think about smiling or laughing or just being happy in general . People say things like “but that’s what your daddy would want”.

Trust me, don’t you think I know that?

Grief is weird like that, bc we can know and acknowledge what our loved one would WANT us to be doing, but we also just like can’t do that right now.

It’s also very unique. I can’t tell you how many people who have tried to RELATE or COMPARE; by saying “I lost my so and so and I know how you’re feeling”.

No, no you do not. You might understand it a little bit, but your relationship with your father/mother/grandmother/grandfather was unique to you. Even my siblings are grieving a different relationship with my father than I had, and I understand and respect that our grief is the same, yet still somehow unique.

I don’t want to hear anything like “the Lord has a plan” and “trust in the Lord”. I just am being honest when I say, this is truly the last thing I want to hear right now. Probably nobody really wants to hear this. I can’t stand when people say this to me bc it essentially is saying “the Lords master plan to kill off your Daddy was so great” fuck off with that bull shit. Please and thanks and goodbye.

I also can’t stand when people say “I lost my grandfather/grandmother, I know how yore feeling."

No. No you do not. I Can tell you this for certain bc I lost my grandfather, too, and he was one of my favorite people on earth and we talked almost all everyday, and I was so sad when I lost him, but his losss was NOTHING compared to the loss of my daddy.

Without my daddy, I feel like a literal piece of me died. A PIECE OF ME. A piece of me died and she will not ever live again. DEAD.

Okay, now; all that venting and transparency aside. I want you to know this, I still appreciate every word. That’s right. Even when I can’t stand it. Because it’s my grief that’s feeling. Not me. My heart is grateful for even the thought. The care. The reaching out. The consideration.

This loss has taught me a lot. It has shown me my value, it has shown me who really cares for me, and it has shown me the truth about what is important in life and what isn’t.

I would give anything to have my daddy back, it’s true. I would give anything to have one more day, one more hug, one more conversation. He was THE BEST. You can ask ANYONE that knew him. He really did make the world a better place.

Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t perfect, he suffered from the human condition of imperfection, too. But he took the time to know and love his children better than we know ourselves, and he is the ONLY person in my life who will ever know me better than I know me.

This is the type of loss that you either allow to grow you or hold you back. My father didn’t raise any bitches so my only choice is to keep going.

I have cut a lot of dead weight out of my life since his death. Mainly people who aren’t on the same level as me when it comes to being transparent. I can’t have anyone in my life holding me back, making me feel less than, or lacking the capacity to be honest with themselves, and thusly the world.

Honesty, true honesty, it takes courage. I will share, that I think one of the things that my father was most proud of me for, was that I knew how to be honest. Honest to a fault, bc most people can’t handle the truth. You lose a lot of people when you live a life of full transparency, some by choice, some by default, bc they can’t stand to look at themselves and make changes. It’s okay.

Let them go.

Be free.

Be true to yourself and the people who are meant to be in your life. Will be there, trust me. I have just gone through one of the worst possible experiences and lost one of the greatest loves I’ll ever know on this earth, and MY PEOPLE, they moved heaven and earth to be by my side, in my ear, and going above and beyond to wrap me in the love of their arms, though near or far.

Oh my heart is so grateful for that love, deepening in the darkest of times.

Until next time,

Xoxo

Mishako